I’ve decided to start my blog again because my insides are churning.

I know I should ‘let it go ‘ as people say. What does that mean exactly? Let what go? The pain? The humiliation? The continuing feeling of anger? Honestly not sure it’s that simple…. if it were then I’d be as happy as as a pug in muck.

But it’s never simple is it? People say I’m too sensitive…. but it’s who I am.


The last few chapters??

Welcome back to those of you mad enough to want to read my musings…..

When I retired I promised myself that the last chapters of the book that is my life would be different to what went before…. it just has to be! I also promised my children that I would be dragged into old age kicking and screaming…… So, I have a lot of promises to fulfil.

As you know, I ‘retired’ in August 2015.  I actually felt I had no choice as things were getting very difficult at work….bullying by some councillors over 15 years finally took its toll on my health and mental wellbeing. I was reacting to things in a way that I knew wast irrational and I made the decision so that I could heal me….. don’t get me wrong, I loved my job and I know that I was good at it, leaving a legacy for the community that will serve it well for years. 

But the fact remains that I felt I had no choice, and there remained a burning resentment for a long time.  I had to cut myself off from all the social media and fb ‘friends’ that would open a window to what I had lost.  It hurt so much that it was like a physical and permanent pain that dominated my life.

But…. something had to give. So what gave was the job I loved.  Never mind, I thought, there is a lot of life left to live and I now had the freedom to live it….

Or so I thought……. 

Well you’ve all read the sorry start to my ‘retirement ‘…. so going over it is a waste of emotional energy.  Though the positive is that we see our little Ava weekly and we hope to build a relationship with her that is life affirming for us all.

After my Australian odyssey and my month in India with family, I ended the hideous year that was 2016 hoping that 2017 would bring a more fulfilling chapter.

So, some 18 months after my false start at retirement I hoped I could have another go.

But ……. I have to confess I’m a bit bored. I mean, don’t get me wrong, not being answerable to multiple egos, not to mention the sometimes weird public that made the job challenging, funny and frustrating, is wonderful. Not being under time pressures is liberating…… if it doesn’t get done today I can do it tomorrow!  

I have become a lady wot lunches, I sing in a choir and I’m starting pilates…. but this is not enough for me…. I don’t want to fill my days with meaningless (if sociable) things. 

Oh…. one thing I am doing that is meaningful is that I am mentoring a student who has issues at school.  It’s challenging and a role that is a last resort situation for the kids involved….no pressure then!! I’m proud to be asked and hope I can make a difference.  All kids are wonderful… some are just lost and out of sync with the ‘norm’.  It’s nice to feel useful again. 

As I sit here musing and wondering what to do with myself I start looking inwards…I’m too fat…I’m too old….perhaps I need to tweak some things… on and on.  STOP!!!

I’m only 62, yes I could lose some weight but I scrub up ok?